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Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three
likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches
to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets
her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up
very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be
more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set
of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive
clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent
all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several !
times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the
remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for
their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the
money he’d given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than
on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a
large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”
The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”
Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”
Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”
Jacob: “How about Viagra?”
Pharmacist: “Of course.”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”
Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”
Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers?”
Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”
Jacob: “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
A little kid asks his Dad, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
“No idea,” replied the Father, “I’m still paying for it…”
“The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.”
If Men Were In Charge of Planning Weddings, June Weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.
How do you know if you’re in love, lust, or marriage?
LOVE – - when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST – - when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE – - when your belt won’t meet around your waist, and you don’t care.
Ad seen in the The New York Times:
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
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- Redneck Wedding Cake
42 Years of Mariage
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.”
The wife answered, “Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband!” The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: “Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”
The wife and the fairy were very disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof…the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful should remember that fairies are female…
Please feel free to share your own jokes in the comments section!
